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25 May 2007
A letter to my dearest son Jesse Lee…
on the 5th anniversary of your death…
I was woken up this day five years ago from a
telephone call from the hospital
in San Francisco stating you had been in an accident and we needed
to get to you immediately…
They wanted me to know there was a good
possibility you would not be with us another day…
I hoped for a miracle…
I knew if anyone could pull off a miracle it would be you…
Maybe if I had demanded a miracle…
you would still be with us…
Maybe if I had refused to let you go…
you would still be with us…
Maybe if I had more faith or more strength or if I had just been
more of a mother…
you would still be here with us today…
I heard you call my name last week … “Mom”
Your voice was so strong and clear …
You were standing in front of me…
and I knew if I opened my eyes it would be a lie…
I was frantic to remember your smell…
How could a mother forget how her son smelled…
I tore through your boxes and was assaulted with the smell
of time gone by… musty… moldy… death…
This year dad and I started scanning in the
7,000 or so slides
we have of our life together for the past 30 years… snippets of a
life…
I have relived your birth, your first steps,
sitting in a field of flowers, your smiles, your tears, sharing baby
kittens at Judith’s school, dressed as a prince for a play, reading
curled up with Nana, holding your new brother Kyle…
I want to lash out or reach out or scream out…
How many times I have pleaded for just 5 more minutes…
To just touch you, to hug you, to breath you into my soul…
To tell you how very much I love you…
Did you know that…
did I tell you enough…
did I show you enough…
did you feel it…
Heather and Sam got married last year and are
expecting a child in December…
Sasha and Ursula gave birth to an amazing
little boy Mateo…
Ti Davis married and has a little boy Marley
born on your birthday…
Kyle turned 22 and is the most extraordinary
man… He married Colleen December 1 and they gave birth to a little
girl named Mikayla Rose Keiko Jadrnicek on the 24 April…
You never got a chance to meet Colleen… She
and Kyle are wonderful together…
How sad you will never be an Uncle to Mikayla
Rose… She is extraordinary…
Li turns 91… Jane 97…
And life moves forward… How can it be five
years without you…
Where are you…
Your wind chimes are in the peak and when you
send your sweet melodies
I am comforted…
I feel you in the garden and see you in your brother’s smile…
There are no more photographs of you after June 2002 …
There never will be… what a harsh reality… what a sad truth…
I will forever associate Memorial Day week-end
as the time I lost you…
The time my heart was broken… forever…
So I have become your eyes…
I have become your ears…
What have you become…
Are you happy…
Do you think of me…
I miss you…
I love you…
I need you…
to make my life whole… mom
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